First Draft:

3.3.12
I wrote the date on here yesterday morning and took a deep breathe but had nothing I wanted to share.

I had a basically normal Julie, the mom day yesterday.

March is always a powerful and nostalgic month for me. I was born March.

Last night my son went out to a birthday party with my sister and her family.  This was his first party without mom and he had such a great time.  It was Olivia's 5th birthday celebration and I've been wanting Max to hang out with Oli and her two brothers for a couple of years now, by a couple I literally mean two.  I went to hug two dear ladies in my life, at the Brooklyn Museum and was home by 11:00 pm.  Max has not stopped talking about how great the cake was or how awesome the party was.  He said to his dad this morning, as they brushed, "I sang happy birthday to my friend and it was fun. I started to be a little bit shy but then I wasn't shy anymore.  I ate a lot of cake, it was really good!"  What a conversation, what a moment.  I feel so honored and blessed to be Maximillian's mom and at the same time I'm like WHAT!? I'm Maximillian's mom.

Max is easily able to articulate his feelings.  At the ripe old age of 34 months, yes MONTHS, he can clearly identify what he is feeling and what his responses are and share.  It's amazing to me.  I know lots of it is coaching and I know that the most of it is that this is the person he was born to be.  It was not easy for me to let go and send my baby boy to a party with my sister and not go with him. It was tricky for me and a bit emotional.

I have been a stay at home mom now for a while and my attachment to my son is just as great as his attachment to me.  We spend every moment of every day together and I thank the Lord that we can.  I value the time and the opportunity and pray that my influence on him helps him to have the best life he can possibility have.  While speaking to an amazing mother last night, we both decided, we only do the best we can, and like Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better!"  My mom was a stay at home mom for most of my life and I know she always did and still does, only the best that she can.  I didn't turn out that bad, with her coaching, her love and therapy, in my later years, I have been able to live a pretty fabulous life.  I love, I laugh, I live.  I have so much experience and yet know nothing and am still growing.  I know these times will not return and the moments and the memories Max and I have created during this time will live in our souls always, in all of our lifetimes to come.  I only pray I am doing the appropriate things that will help him to thrive.

Last night I doubted for a minute I should send him off to a party and I go off to a Dance Party at the BK museum.  I hesitated for a moment thinking, that would be bad, he's too little, my sister won't have fun, she will have to watch him. He may get upset about something, he's going to miss me, he will play and run on the stairs and get hurt, geez, all the thoughts I had in that moment.  I took a deep breathe and thought about how independent he is, how responsible and amazing my sister is, how he needs to grow and lots of times it will be without me physically there.  I had all these thoughts and took another deep breathe and let him go.  I sat for a moment once he was gone and I said to myself, "self, I know you want to put on your pj's and curl up with your, The Dance of Anger, book by Dr. Harriet Lerner and just wait for your man to home so you can talk or not but you know you want to see Moni at the museum.  Get yourself up and get dressed and go to the museum, it's what you truly want to do even if you don't want to do it alone."  My dear friend Tomika met me at the museum and I got to hug both Tomika and Moni.  I've had them both on the brain and they are both such amazing women who inspire such greatness and strength.  They embody this for me and I love their energy, from day one, for each of them, respectively.  I went. I got dressed in my wanna be hipster gear and got in my car with all of 27 dollars. I panicked once I got to Brooklyn and realized I ONLY had 27 dollars on me.  Guess what, parking was $4.00 and the Museum was FREE! The smiles and hugs were Priceless.

I came home and Max was still out.  His dad asked, "Where's Max? Still at the party?" I said, "yes and he is having a great time and he will call me when he is on his way home." WOW, what an evening of growth.
3.3.12


Happy 4th.

Love transcends all things.  Trust in the wonder and power of your dreams.

Thank you for reading and Sharing.

Sharing is caring!
Love exists and Life is a miracle, treat it all as such.
Namastè.
In possibility,
Julie Jewels

To Compete or Not Compete, I choose the latter...

I have never been competitive or a perfectionist.  My drive and passion is quite strong.  I

always just want things to happen and I have amazing ideas! For about ten years I worked with the most phenomenal and competitive folks on the planet. I never once wondered why I was not interested in the competition. I feel things just need to get done.  Together we can do wonderful work. That's it, why compete?

I find myself wanting to create amazing things and networking to make this happen and once it gets off the ground I have to move to the next project.  I spent many years debating my intellect and my consistency because I consistently lack focus. I don't lack desire, intention or drive, it's just focus that escapes me.  

My most recent bout with lacking focus and beating myself up came with my desire to return to college. Other than being the best mother to my son Max and a better partner to my partner, there is nothing I want more than to just be my BEST SELF.  My best self includes getting a university education.

In the real world it's all a competition and in the real-real world it isn't.

What are your thoughts?
Are you competitive?
Should more people be competitive?
Would it be better to be less competitive?

I'm truly interested in your thoughts, let me know.
Thanks.

Namaste!

I really just never know...

In the early 80's when my uncle introduced me to his new girlfriend I had no idea how much of an impact my relationship with her would have on my life.  I didn't have a clue

that she would one day become my aunt. I didn't know she would be my housemate and would cook delicious BBQ chicken for me. Who knew I would smoke my first cigarette with her, on a beach chair beside a pool at the Holiday Inn in North Carolina. I didn't know she would be there for me when I got beat up by my abusive ex boyfriend, to talk to, to cry and be a shoulder to lean on.  Who knew we would end up having the same last name for a while. Classic... I had no idea Kathy would be my buddy, my aunt, my friend.  Heck, I was twelve when I first met GATALOVE, what did I know then (somedays I'm uncertain as to what I know now).  I also didn't know she would never get to meet my ideal and greatest life partner consequently also not meet our little gift, Maximillian J. (Max was born on her birthday-I would have absolutely never guessed that) I just really never knew...

The day Kathy passed away I was suppose to call her all day long. I woke up to a message on "myspace."  I decided I would shower first then call. Once I showered I figured I would just get dressed and have a bite and then call. I messaged her on 'myspace' and told her I would call later. I watched TV, I got dressed, I ate again, I drove to my mom's house all the while thinking, I will call her in a little bit.  I will call her in a little bit.  It was early evening when I arrived at my mom's house in Woodside from my little apartment in College Point.    I was chatting with my sister I think, I don't recall, when my cell phone rang and it was my cousin:

"Julie, sit down, I have to tell you something." 
"What?" 
"Kathy is dead." 
"Shut the f*ck up! Why would you say something so crazy like that? "
"She's dead, we just got the call." She wasn't lying. It wasn't a crass joke, this was true, a cruel reality.

I don't know what I thought at the moment or even what I did immediately but I couldn't breathe and I couldn't believe it. I picked up my phone to call Kathy, shit, I was suppose to call her early in the day. Why didn't I call!?!

I spent a good two years or so thinking if I only had called, she would have been on the phone with me and would have not been able to die in her sleep. God, she was only 41 years, how could it be.  I blamed myself for not calling. If you asked me why she passed away I would have had to tell you it was my fault because I just didn't call. :( 

I experienced many things in the company of Kathy and I would never want to change a bit of our experiences together. You know, she sent me my very first personalized hallmark card. It was the coolest. Her Christmas cards where always the first to arrive. We were housemates for a few years and she still use to mail my cards. :)  I look for her fun birthday cards every year and smile when I remember that she can't send me cards from heaven.  The only thing Kathy can do is watch over us.

The birth of my son was my realization that I had nothing to do with her death. 
I don't have that much power in the world. 
It wasn't my fault.  
I thought if I would have called I would have got to hear her voice for the very last time, geez what would I have said, probably something silly, not knowing it would be the last time I would talk to her.

If you have someone on your mind and you want to talk just give them a call, forget the social networks or the email, just pick up the phone and call, you just never ever know.

Forever in my heart: Gatalove.

Namaste.

A note to a lovely lady in my life...

February 2011


You know Oprah Winfrey's mom gave up one of her daughters for adoption and it got me 


thinking, well that and alot of other things, but anyway. A mom, is a mom is a mom and a mom 


will only do what she knows. A person can only be who they are. I felt bad for Patricia when her 


mom denied her but then I thought, wow, it must really take a lot, and I mean a whole heck of a lot 


to give up your child for adoption. Oprah's mom is who I'm referencing here. So anyway, it's the 


most amazing ride ever! I promise you that. Tonight I slowdanced with Max in the kitchen while I 


was cooking dinner cause a song came on about bringing her home and it was about a dad 


bringing his daughter home and right after the song "With arms wide open" by Creed played, 


that song always got to me when I was pregnant. I feel like you just are never really ready but like 


you said it's all worth it.  I feel so blessed that Max chose me to be his mom and everyday I thank 


the Lord. I'm sure Max had his reason for 


choosing me and his dad, I don't know if I will ever know the reasons I just know I need to be the 


best mother to him, I can be. Again, it's hard but so worth it and so rewarding.


Breastfeeding is the best thing to do and it isn't easy so if you could find a support group or take 


a class or two, that would be helpful. It's new to you and to the baby so you have to be patient. 


And if it's done right , it does NOT hurt. Trust me. Max is so strong and smart and healthy and I 


attribute lots of that to the nursing. I still nurse and intend to nurse until I can - 3 years is my target 


but if he wants to stop at two, I will be fine with that. 


See if there are some programs for latina moms who are going to school to help 


supplement your income. There has to be, this Obama administration is all about healthcare and 


mommy's.



I love you and want you to enjoy every moment. Breathe deep and stay present because what 


you are currently experiencing is an enormous miracle. 


You are beautiful and I love you.


hugs.


FOOTNOTE: 
We weren't talking about adoption at all, I was talking about motherhood.




Namaste!