Friday, February 10, 2012

I really just never know...

In the early 80's when my uncle introduced me to his new girlfriend I had no idea how much of an impact my relationship with her would have on my life.  I didn't have a clue
that she would one day become my aunt. I didn't know she would be my housemate and would cook delicious BBQ chicken for me. Who knew I would smoke my first cigarette with her, on a beach chair beside a pool at the Holiday Inn in North Carolina. I didn't know she would be there for me when I got beat up by my abusive ex boyfriend, to talk to, to cry and be a shoulder to lean on.  Who knew we would end up having the same last name for a while. Classic... I had no idea Kathy would be my buddy, my aunt, my friend.  Heck, I was twelve when I first met GATALOVE, what did I know then (somedays I'm uncertain as to what I know now).  I also didn't know she would never get to meet my ideal and greatest life partner consequently also not meet our little gift, Maximillian J. (Max was born on her birthday-I would have absolutely never guessed that) I just really never knew...

The day Kathy passed away I was suppose to call her all day long. I woke up to a message on "myspace."  I decided I would shower first then call. Once I showered I figured I would just get dressed and have a bite and then call. I messaged her on 'myspace' and told her I would call later. I watched TV, I got dressed, I ate again, I drove to my mom's house all the while thinking, I will call her in a little bit.  I will call her in a little bit.  It was early evening when I arrived at my mom's house in Woodside from my little apartment in College Point.    I was chatting with my sister I think, I don't recall, when my cell phone rang and it was my cousin:

"Julie, sit down, I have to tell you something." 
"Kathy is dead." 
"Shut the f*ck up! Why would you say something so crazy like that? "
"She's dead, we just got the call." She wasn't lying. It wasn't a crass joke, this was true, a cruel reality.

I don't know what I thought at the moment or even what I did immediately but I couldn't breathe and I couldn't believe it. I picked up my phone to call Kathy, shit, I was suppose to call her early in the day. Why didn't I call!?!

I spent a good two years or so thinking if I only had called, she would have been on the phone with me and would have not been able to die in her sleep. God, she was only 41 years, how could it be.  I blamed myself for not calling. If you asked me why she passed away I would have had to tell you it was my fault because I just didn't call. :( 

I experienced many things in the company of Kathy and I would never want to change a bit of our experiences together. You know, she sent me my very first personalized hallmark card. It was the coolest. Her Christmas cards where always the first to arrive. We were housemates for a few years and she still use to mail my cards. :)  I look for her fun birthday cards every year and smile when I remember that she can't send me cards from heaven.  The only thing Kathy can do is watch over us.

The birth of my son was my realization that I had nothing to do with her death. 
I don't have that much power in the world. 
It wasn't my fault.  
I thought if I would have called I would have got to hear her voice for the very last time, geez what would I have said, probably something silly, not knowing it would be the last time I would talk to her.

If you have someone on your mind and you want to talk just give them a call, forget the social networks or the email, just pick up the phone and call, you just never ever know.

Forever in my heart: Gatalove.


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